Mullah Mchungu calls after a hiatus of many months. After the hello, how are you, as if I care formalities, he tells me he misses Orlando and HIC in particular. He would love to do a Ramadhan here, eat the greasy iftaari every day, watch Mustafa Yusufali barrage through foolendi with trays of neehari and hear Kassim and Jaabir call out to serve hot chai.
So, he says nonchalantly, you enjoyed Sheikh Nooru, hai? I read your piece. Yea so did I, heard his uploaded videos daily. Great guy. I wonder if the Khojas in Sanford still call him a goolo or ghagho behind his back…
There is nothing to say, so I keep my mouth shut.
So what do you think about this lady that was jumped by the cops in Chicago last year? You guys wake up after a year and now call foul…
When I profess I know not what he is talking about, the Mullah snorts in contempt and ire.
What is the matter with you Kisukaali? I see your posts on Facebook so how could you have missed it? There was this lady all wrapped up in a burqa who the cops in Chicago jumped on. Because they got all jittery and suspicious. But this happened a year ago, and some people picked up the story without checking the dates and made it out as if it happened yesterday, connecting it to hysteria on the tragedy at Orlando! Granted, she should not have been jumped on, and it was wrong for the police to have supposedly strip-searched her. But I find her to be at fault. You know why?
I sigh and roll my eyes. Why, pray tell, Mullah Sahib?
The guy may be old, but he is astute.
Don’t you be nasty and pretentious with me, young man, I can feel your antics all the way here. Why? Because, you fool, if a person is all covered up in a black niqaab, is carrying a bag pack and wandering through the metro system, I’d bloody want her to be jumped, jumped hard and jumped fast. I’d want the police to make sure she was harmless. You do not want to second guess these situations, you want to act, and act pronto. The cops did just that. What if she was an ISIS lunatic and carrying explosives? As far as respecting Islam or human rights argument, that is all hogwash. Allah has not asked our women to wrap themselves in black, look and parade about menacingly. The lady is supposed to dress modestly, nothing more. In the current situation, she is lucky to have not been shot.
But Mulla…, I say feebly. I want to put up a defense for the poor girl.
No buts, not yours nor mine. Let’s call a spade, a spade, okay? She is at fault. We take a hammer, strike our feet with it and then cry foul! What bakwaas. And thank the USA system that she can claim and get redress. Her case is in court; she’ll probably get compensation and an apology. If something like this had occurred in a ‘Muslim’ country, she’d probably be raped and a rotting corpse six feet under.
It’s better I do not open my mouth now, so I uhmm and ahaa the old man, try to steer him away to more pleasant topics. But no, he is in a combative mood and continues.
And now I read about this nut who walks into an Ohio hotel dressed in a thobe like he is in Dubai or Jeddah and gets thrown on the ground and frisked by the cops. Again, I am not condoning what the cops did, but give me a bloody break Kisukaali. Why invite trouble, Baba? He is in the USA, in Ohio, in the midst of all the shootings and killings and other mayhems around the world wrongly attributed to Muslims and he decides to wear a Middle Eastern garb! How much wackier can he get? He is now suing for $200 million. Again, if events were reversed, would he be able to do that in his country. Let’s call a spade, a spade, okay?
Again, I do not say nothing; my life and limbs are dear to me. So the old killjoy continues.
And our maulanas here. Baap re! They think in terms of the Baniyas of India. Let me tell you a funny tale Kisukaali. A young Bania goes for an interview as a bookkeeper. He is asked to answer a simple question. What is one plus one? So he looks around, gets up, closes the door, shutters all windows, comes back and answers. Well, Sir, one plus one can be anything you want it to be! And he is bloody hired!
Mullah Mchungu dissolves in guffaws of laughter; I can hear him cracking up at the other end. In spite of myself, I find myself smiling at his infectious merriment, although I have yet to grasp his funny bone; I await his recovery. He does, eventually, telling me to wait so he can wipe his tears of joy away.
This young Maulana goes up the mimbur and tells me that our ulemas derive their rulings from the Holy Quraan and the Sunna of the Ahlebeyt (A). But, the Maulana continues, they can have all have different end results. Now it that daft or is that dafter. We have the same Allah (S), the same prophets (A), the same Quraan, the same Aiimaas (A), the same hadeeth and yet they can have differing and sometimes contradictory rulings! Now, let’s call a spade, a spade, okay? This is dumber than dumb. Isn’t is surprising we are in the mess we find ourselves in, Kisukaali?
I shiver and look around to make sure nobody is hanging around, listening in. This is dangerous territory and only this old hen can broach it. I stay mum. Still.
Want to stay politically correct, eh, young man? Fine. I have no such reservations. One plus one cannot be less or more than two. Period. Tell these Maulanas to stop using the Banya mentality in religion. It is confusing us! It baffles new converts and is dumbfounding our children who end up in colleges and universities using their common senses. People are making a mockery of us. Islam is a common sense deen, so let us, please, use Allah’s greatest gift to humanity – our common senses.
When I still stay mum, Mullah Mchungu hangs up on me, madder than a wet hen. But not before cursing me in some colorful language I cannot print.
You are useless, Kisukaali. I don’t know why I waste my breath on you…